This has to be one of my favorite pages so far, and yet, it’s nowhere near the best in this issue.

On a related note, I finally was able to use the twitter to do its real job—tell when updates were going to be delayed and such. As I have been fearing lately, I ran out of buffer. The comic is a little over an hour and a half late, and I only just finished it. Allow me to explain why:

I warn you, the following is extremely personal, and I am mainly sharing because this is my only real outlet to express myself anymore.

Lately, I have not been well. Ever since Erin left me in October, I’ve been a wreck. Sure, a lot of good things were happening—the internship, my job—but everything has been empty. And when I think about it, I wasn’t well even while Erin and I were dating. Sure, I was happy with us, but I’ve never been truly happy. I can’t remember a time when I was. If I think hard enough, I can dig up memories of being a happy child in elementary school, but somewhere down the line, that disappeared, and I don’t know when, and I don’t want to try right now.

Clinical Depression runs in my family on my father’s side. Physically, my nature pulls on me to break down. I’ve been good at fighting it over the years, and hell, I fought it well. I may not be one to get out of bed immediately, but I get out of bed at all. Over the past 3 years, I’ve been getting out of bed later and later. I’ve even gone weeks without seeing the sun.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts for years. They were just that—an itch in the back of my head every time I was alone, or every time I saw an oncoming car, and I thought nothing of them. I could fight it. But more and more I’d start to wonder what the other side was like, and kind of long for it, as it was an exciting unknown journey, and what I had at the time wasn’t exciting enough.

But I digress. I haven’t been well lately. When Erin left me, I kind of freaked out. I had manic episodes of hopefulness, and I tried to put myself out there romantically. I gave my number to a few girls I met who I thought were cute, and I even made an OK Cupid account earlier last week. It didn’t make me happy, but I thought the prospect of dating someone again could help me. It would at least give me a reason to stay alive.

Welp, hope wasn’t enough.

I write these blogs usually around 6 or 7 the night before an update. On Friday, I wrote it before going to work at 6.
If you read that post with all of this in mind, you can almost see the path I was walking that day. On Friday night, I hit a low point I’d never really hit before, and I broke down. I ate what I thought was my last meal around 2am, and through tears tried to contact anyone who would listen to me. I truly wanted to die at that moment. There was no tickle, no logical rejection of the thought, only pain. For a few minutes, no one responded. I decided to finish my meal before planning anything. At that point, people got my messages, and talked me down for the next 2 hours.

To those of you who spoke to me in my time of need, and you know who you are, thank you. I don’t know where I would be right now if you had not helped me.

Saturday morning, I decided three things:

1. I could not do this on my own anymore. I had fought this battle alone for over 10 years, and I finally lost it.

2. I needed to seek professional help. My depression is likely physical and hereditary. I need to go on medication.

3. I am going to convert to Buddhism. I had considered it for a long time over the past two years, and finally, in an effort to become who I want, I’m currently looking into finding a group to help me learn more about it and begin practicing. There is a lot more behind this decision, but I won’t get into it here. Suffice to say, I have an undying respect for it, and would like that as well.

Anyway, I went to my first counseling session yesterday after work, and I am trying to get in contact with a doctor who can accurately determine whether or not I need anti-depressants, as well as which to go on.

On Saturday night, at around 7:50 Erin contacted me. I didn’t respond until around 9:30 I won’t go into the details, because there was too much, but at 1:50, I got into her car, and kissed her the way I had when we first started dating. I am not at liberty to discuss her life here, but needless to say, she was doing as bad, if not worse than I was.

Right now, as I sit here, typing this blog post, I’m not happy. In fact, I’m still very low on that scale. I am grateful that Erin is back in my life, but I’m still depressed by default. I am working on the solution, but in the meantime, I have things to do. I won’t be late with Friday’s update. Hopefully I can find the energy to do multiple pages this week, and rebuild a buffer.